During my childhood days, i pictured my life as a big portrait image. Meaning, i really have many dreams in my life, and i do still have as of now. But when i was a child, i never, ever, thought that this would be the life i'm going through. I'm not saying that I my life sucks, but i used to picture a perfect life with my family and career. As the time goes by, i realized that life wasn't easy. I grew older and developed my own personality. I'm not a sunny-sunshine-smiling-carefree girl, but a be-serious-do-your-best-and-work-hard girl. I do care about all the things that people expect me to be.
Wrong. It's so hard to live people's expectations, i just want to be my self. I'm not a perfect person. If i have a goal, i work really, really, hard for it. It's not easy for me to reach any goal no matter how small or big it is, always the same. I'm not really an excellent person and i don't think why some people think I am. Being a certified slow learner, i don't get things at first time. Maybe because of my profession? Not all Civil engineers are smart in all things. I am not smart in math. I actually suck in arithmetic. The reason why i survived my profession, all i can say is that, its just a matter of practice and pure determination. And FAITH in HIM. When you started to do things over and over, you'll get used to it. Its always hard in the beginning...
It's always hard in the beginning, i knew that. Now that i started to work, its really hard. The pressure and expectations to pick up every single thing that i should know about my work really, really, SUCK. As I said earlier, I'm not a fast learner. I feel bad because i lifted up myself that much during the interview. If i told them that i am a slow learner, would they hire me? But I can say I work hard when i feel there is a need to do it. I like in-the-nick of time pressures. Give me a deadline, and make sure that what i do is really important, i will do it.
I do procrastinate a lot. When i feel that there is no important task to finish, i act in slowly-but-"surely" way. LOL That's what i hate about myself. Being slow in all new thingssssssss...Lately I've been told that i should finish all the task that was given to me within the day even if its not important... Okay, now i know.
I used to work hard. It's just a matter if motivation. I always like to be motivated. During my review and school days, my professors and instructors used to motivate us. I admit, it is one of the reasons why i am here, practicing my profession.
New to work environment, i didn't expect it to be this... hard. Working in six months? But i still feel new to the environment. It is really hard to earn money. LOL Hard to please people and lack of motivation. You should get things at first, true because what people would get to you if they'll teach you what to do even if you have no idea about how and why things are being done? *sigh* I come to realize that theory is way far from actual.
In the end, i just want to say... I wish to do things that people don't expect me to do-- without giving a fuck.
