Sinner or Saint ?

I know I am not perfect, nor good or saint. I always fall on doing sins. And I always regret that and I continuously ask for God's forgiveness to my sins.

But I have committed this one grievous sin that I never knew I could. But I did not regret doing that... At Lagi-lagi akong humihingi ng tawad sa Panginoon para doon.

May mga pangayayari lang lately na bumabagabag sa akin.. It's really complicated. 

Maybe there is a reason kung bakit nangyayari samin to. Hindi ko nga alam na makakaraing ako sa puntong ganito, e. Never in my wildest dreams.

But everything is okay now. Marami na din ang na-realize at mga aral na natutunan para sa susunod ay hindi na mangyari ang kinatatakutan ng lahat...

Pero hindi na maibabalik ang nakaraan...

I am a sinner. not a saint.

And it is all because of love.

It's complicated.

Rant Pa More!

Dear Readers,

I don't usually brag my profession unlike any other people who has jobs. Not that I am not proud and confident in what I do but I think, I lost interest in my profession. Everybody knows that this is not my first love. I hate the fact that I hate what I do! Damn. Fuck Midlife crisis.

I don't want to admit to everyone that I am lost. Literally lost. I do not know where to start, where to go and what end of my career do i want. What do I want? I don't know.

If I will stop working, I will get depressed cause i don't want anyone to support me. I promised to myself to stand on my own feet....

Sometimes, I get depressed whenever I will talk to my colleagues and they are successful in the road they chose. Not that I envy them because they have the potential of being rich someday, but i envy them because they like what they do. Me? I don't know why i still feel like i lack of something. Parang may hinahanap pa ako. If you'll compare it to cooking of your favorite dish, may lasa ka pang hinahanap-- pero pagkain pa rin ang niluluto mo at alam mong malapit ng maluto. Ganun. Maaring mare-realize mo na ayaw mo pala ng niluluto mo, pero sa bandang huli, di ka titigil sa pagluluto hanggang sa makuha mo ang lasa.

Hayyy. I always wish to God whenever I'll worship that may He give me the happiness that i really want-- sa career. Masaya naman ako, pero hindi kumpleto. Maging masaya lang. But it is not that simple pala. Akala ko, ganun-ganun lang maging masaya. Ang hirap hanapin kung saan ka masaya. Marami palang gusto ang tao. Paiba-iba, nage-evolve sa paglipas ng panahon. Or maybe because I am in the middle of my midlife crisis?

I hate the fact that I hate what I do! Sana maging busy na....

Actually, wala kasi akong magawa sa new job ko kaya nagra-rant ako ng ganito. Natatakot akong baka nasasayang lang ang panahon ko sa paghihintay..... habang hindi ko pa nakikita kung saan talaga ako masaya. Tsk.

Maghahanap na ba ako ng bagong trabaho? or I will stop working o magisip?

Kailangan ko munang mag-ipon ng matindi!

Ine-expect ko na ang sarili ko na broke pa rin pagkatungtong ko ng 30's. huhuhuhu Hindi pa ganoon kasuccessful sa career...

ANyway, rant pa more! Sobrang hussle kasi ang biyahe.... at walang magawa sa work. huhuhu

Signing off...

Amohr Seyer

Lost Stars

I want to write! I want to write! I want to write! I can feel it in my bones right now. LOL. Gusto ko lang na may mapagbuhusan ng nararamdaman ko, dahil hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko dito. I'm so full of romantic thoughts (well, thanks for my boyfriend. Ang sweet kasi!) at dahil hindi ko naman siya nakakasama everyday gaya ng dati, walang mapaglagyan ng kilig ko. I really want to write again. So... I think magsisimula na akong magsulat ng isang nobela. Uumpisahan ko ngayon, pagkatapos ay buong araw ako magsusulat sa quezon city day, at sa susunod pang mga araw. Maraming holidays! hehehehe... Sana magawa ko...

Anyway, sobrang nag-enjoy na naman ako sa araw ko kahapon. Weekend e, meaning, a day with my man na naman. He visited our house saturday night after his work for sleepover. Bonding time kasama ang Aunt ko. By morning, sabay kaming sumamba sa Kapilya to worship. Then we head straight to the mall for our date :)

Super happy lang coz i got the chance to see him during the weekend pero nagaalala lang din ako na baka kinukuha ko na ang natitirang araw niya para magpahinga kasi sunday lang ang off sa construction industry. Since maraming holidays next week, I told him na depende sa kaniya kung gusto niya kaming magkita ulit, pero itinaboy ko na lang siya dahil baka masakal na siya. xD I wanted him to interact with different person naman kasi iyon ang nakikita kong gusto niya. At ska, ako rin kasi ay nalulunod sa affection namin sa isa't-isa, na tipong sa kaniya na nakadepende ang emosyon ko sa araw-araw.

So I said I will write, para doon ko maibuhos lahat ng emosyon ko sa kaniya. My first love was so overwhelming, at kapag hindi ko kinontrol ay baka ako rin ang makasira sa lahat. It was perfect, he was a charming, kind and lovable partner, and i don't want to make him feel imprisoned with my love. I want him to be as free as possible, but still knowing his way back in my loving arms...

Kailangan ko na lang sanayin ang sarili ko na hindi siya palaging kausap. Chat is okay, pero limitahan na, kasi kahit nagwo-work ako ay hindi ko mapigilan.

Anyway, working hours pero ito ang ginagawa ko. Sorry na.

Ipagpapatuloy ko ang kuwento next time :)

Anyway, ang title ng entry na ito ay isa sa mga paborito kong kanta at pinapakinggan ko ngayon.

Love,

Amohr

That Thing Called Tadhana

Sometimes, I can't help but to question myself why. Why I acted the way I act that day. Why I did this or did that. At the end of the day, I always feel regrets…

I wish I wouldn't feel regrets. I hate feeling regret. Regrets…

I know that we should move on and focus on more important things in our life. Hindi naman purket mahal mo siya, mahal ka niya, magfo-focus na kayo sa isa't-isa. At hindi porket sinabi niyang mahal ka niya ay maniniwala ka na lang basta. Ang pag-ibig, hindi lamang puro salita ang lahat. Ipinapakita rin sa gawa.

Madalas akong madismaya-- sa sarili ko at sa kaniya. Marahil ay dahil ito ang unang pagkakataon kong umibig, at mahalin din. Pakiramdam ko, mas mahal ko siya kaysa sa pagmamahal niya sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganoon.

Ang sabi nila, dapat daw, mas mahal ka ng tao para sa huli, hindi ikaw ang talo.

The truth is, I am so afraid of what I am feeling right now. It was so overwhelming It was like standing in a hanging platform with a black hole underneath it.  I feel like, whether I like it or not, I will fall and get hurt. And I will always get hurt in the end. There were always an end. And there's got to be someone na masasaktan. O maaring pareho, pero may isang tao pa rin ang mas labis na masasaktan.

At natatakot akong baka ako 'yon.

I don't know if he's just not expressive but sometimes I feel like I'm nothing to him.

I feel like, I'm just a past time.

I feel like, if ever there is anyone who will come in the way, he will leave me and broke my heart.

Its complicated to fall in love.

I already gave my heart to him and there's no way of getting it back.

I want to open up my insecurities and issues to him. But I'm afraid… nakakatakot na baka lalo siyang lumayo sa akin kapag nalaman niya iyon…

First time to fall in love and to be loved.  Sana, hindi ako ma-reject agad… >.<

Tang i*a na pelikula. Humuhugot tuloy ako. HUHUHU…

THIS IS LIFE

I hate being called as KSP. Because really, I don't understand kung bakit naiisip nila iyon, samantalang halos ipagdasal ko nga sa bawat sandali na huwag sana akong mapansin masyado dahil sa isa akong introvert phlegmatic. At ako pa ngayon ang maarte just because i couldn't drink? Nakakaasar lang, kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na HINDI ako maarte. HINDI. Ang ugali ko, basta kung saan masaya ang isang tao, kahit labag sa kalooban ko, ginagawa ko without thinking of my own happiness. Okay lang sa akin ang madumihan, maarawan. Because that's how an introvert phlegmatic persons do. hayyyyy.... Nakakapagod talagang makisama minsan... pero that's life...

Bakasyon :D

For the first time for the last four months, nakapagpahinga din ng matagal-tagal.. Precious three days! Ang saya lang. So, update update din ng blog kapag may time :)

So, what's new in my life? I started to play guitar. Well... masakit siya sa daliri. I already have calluses on my fingertips. HUHU pero iyon raw ang magiging patunay na guitar player ka na for the rest of your life kasi hindi na iyon mawawala. Haha... so, okay na din :)

I was pushed to learn how to play a guitar kasi marami sa mga katrabaho ko ang marunong maggitara. HEHE In short, naiingit. CHOS. I really find it cool when they play a song in acoustic guitar. Sabi ko, gusto ko ding matuto. hehe... so... ayun, bumili ako ng gitara ko. (nagpasama pa ako sa isang guitar expert na katrabaho ko para lang makabili). Kahit papaano nakakatugtog na ako. :)

Mahirap lang pala yung magpalit-palit ng chords kapag mabilis yung song and ang hirap ng hindi open chords. Kapag inipit ko yung mga strings walang tunog na lumalabas! haha... next time na lang ang plucking. Nahihirapan nga akong magstrum habang kumakanta e. ang hirap pala! haha.. dami kong iniintindi like yung fretting, paglipat ng chords, pagstrum, tapos lyrics ng kanta. Hirap isipin ang mga iyon all at once! haha.. i guess i need more practice....

Things You Should Realize In Your Early 20's :D

Midlife crisis sucks, right? I know some people are experiencing this, including me. I have read many articles about midlife crisis, but I just still didn't get it. Or maybe I'm just too dense and innocent in real life to get it. *sarcastic laugh* Oh, but anyway, the important is, I have some realization that I just want to share. So, please grab a chair, sit back and relax (if you're not sitting) and... Well, just freakin' read this. Hindi ko kayo pinipilit, a. Medyo lang.

And oh, please realize that what written in this article are all in my opinion. Please don't dispute and sue me for I have the right to express my opinion, right?

Alrighty then, let's do this!

1.  You Take Charge In Your Life. It's YOUR LIFE Anyway.
• Do whatever you want, live your life as you want it to be. Do not be too conscious just because you feel that people always watch your actions. They are, don't worry, and they will always be. Kahit ano namang gawin mo, may sasabihin at sasabihin sila sa `yo, so why bother to impress them, right? You may:

1. Like, throw a folded paper in your co-worker's face when they're teasing you (or making fun of you) without thinking what they think of you since they started it. Ganti lang, `di ba? (Oh, well, that feels… LOL).
2. Sing a song aloud that everyone can hear your "Golden Voice" even in early morning.  Gisingin mo ang mga kapit-bahay mo. Malay mo, ma-discover ka pa sa The Voice, `di ba?
3.  Compliment a person or tell a person if you hate him/her, then tell them why and give them a quick punch in their faces. (joke lang sa huling part :) )

In short, do what you love. But, in the end, remember that you're the one who is full responsible in all your actions. Don't ever blame someone if you feel miserable in the end, okay?

2. Travel. Like a LOT.- Save money for travel, unless you want some kind of a walkathon from North Luzon to South Luzon. Maawa naman kayo sa sarili niyo. Sabi nga, it's better to invest in experience than luxurious things. Yayain ang mga kaibigang HINDI KJ. Anyone who wants to travel too. When you asked all your buddies and they all refused, end of the friendship na. Joke. Then learn to enjoy travelling alone, kahit "All by myself" ang drama mo.

3. Discover A New Hobby
Do something you wanted to do but at some point, you didn't had the chance to do because… wala lang, hindi mo lang nagawa because you lack passion. Do you agree that maybe this is the right time to have passion on doing things that you're not used to do? If your answer is yes, okay, next number.
Pero siyempre, joke lang 'yun. How about learning to play a musical instrument? A guitar, maybe? Piano, drums, cello, harp, trumpet… whatever. Or start to read non-fiction or fiction books. Get high in K-POP. Do cosplay. Hmm… What do you, think?

4. Bring Back Past Hobby

Contradicting to the previous number? You get that right. If you had a hobby once upon a time and you suddenly lost interest with it, maybe its time to bring it back.

5. Don't Compete to Someone Who Seems More Successful to their Career Even They Younger Than You or Same Age As You to the point that You're being obsessed and pushy.

Everyone is different in their own ways. Iba-ibang kaalaman, iba-ibang diskarte. Many people compare Juan to Pedro and vise versa even their passion and traits are not fully alike. But forget those close minded people who just wanted to criticize you for your lack of some traits that they saw on the other. Just be yourself. Also, do not compare yourself to others. Do not push yourself too much. You know your limits. Just enjoy whatever shit you're doing and learn from it. Contentment is always the key to happiness. Someday you will ask yourself, "Why didn't I did this in my twenties?" Regrets can hunt you for the rest of your fucking life. Sabi nga, do not hurry your growth.
Happiness is enjoying the flowers along the way-- not in getting the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

6. Realize that You Are Not a One Day Millionaire After Getting a Job.

I don’t know you and how you spend all your money, but having a job doesn't mean you will become a millionaire, rich and luxurious all of a sudden. Be realistic in your financial status. You couldn't just decide that "I want to buy this, I want to buy that" when you're money salary is lower than that one little tiny piece of expensive shit you just want to buy because that thing will make you feel pretty cool and popular. Stop that thinking, dude, or else you'll be financially broke and make your life miserableeeeeeee…

All I know is this. Once you got a job, you should take charge in all your finances and don't fucking ask for money to your parents, brothers or sisters… or your friends! Mahiya naman kayo sa balat niyo. Budget your finances. Or instead, give percent of your salary to your family. Mas maganda, `di ba? Mabait na bata! Always expect to be financially broke at the end of the month kung may pinaglalaanan naman talaga kayo. Pero mas maganda, may savings ka.

7. Schedule Family Time.
Visit your grand mother/ grand father's place together with family sometime and take charge of the expenses. Minsan lang naman. Huwag kuripot pagdating sa mga family gatherings. Family will be the last one to be there for you when no one else would, anyway…

8. Enjoy Opposite Sex's Company.

Okay. Awkward topic for me (since NBSB nga ako LOL), but let me bring this topic once and for all. The title doesn't mean you have to have a relationship in every girl/guy you meet. It's okay to flirt, yes, but do it in a most "conservative" and respectful way as possible. You don't want to end up with someone who didn't respect you as a person.  If you're in a relationship, just don’t. DON'T.  Don’t flirt with other person aside from your partner. Baka ako pa sisihin niyo, ha.

This is applicable for singles out there. Don't flirt  if you're not interested to that person. Well magulo ba? My point is, NEVER ever make a girl/guy fall for you if you don't have the intention of falling for them too. Huwag PAASA, dude.

9. Be Health Conscious.

• It's not about "Shit! I think I'm getting fat. My Crush/Girlfriend/Boyfriend wouldn't like me anymore if I'm fat. Maybe It's time to get my ass out of the house and do some jogging for at least 10km… But nah, that's just too tiring, I would just stay in the house and not eat for like maybe a… week or month?"

Sige, try mo lang. Pinapatay mo ang sarili mo sa ganyang kaisipan. Do you know the term, "Balance Diet"? Then try to search for it in google. Hindi ko na ie-elaborate. Magre-research din muna ako. He-he-he.

10. Always Make Time to God.

• In the end, it's HIM who will not judge us for our flaws and all, no matter what. The One who's always there to listen to our rants in life and wishes… even when we are selfish, and bad and all. Make time for HIM once in a while in your busy life and read some Godly articles. Don't forget to Thank Him all the time.

So that's it. Hindi ko sinasabing nagagawa ko ang lahat ng ito. As a matter of fact, I just realized this all of a sudden. So since I wrote this, I should start to adopt this as well. Thank you for reading!

by Skye Reyes :D