SABON

Dumating na ang araw na pinangangambahan ko. HAHA! The Auditors visited our Site office to see if we are implementing all of the documentations according to ISO Audit checklists and churvaness requirements nila.... haha

Ayun, as a site DCC controller- slash- Office Engineer- Slash- QC documentator, natuliro ako at nasabon. Ewannnnnnnn. Hindi talaga ako magaling sa pagoorganize ng mga bagay-bagay... huhuhu i can organize my things pero ang maraming papeles? Mag-aadjust muna siguro ako. Ang daming procedures na mali ang pagkkakaintindi ko. Noong nag-orient sila, hindi ko alam ang itatanong ko kasi i have no fucking idea what are the requirements at pasikot-sikot sa ISO procedures... So as the time passed by, dumadating ang date ng audit (internal), tapos binasa ko yung procedures... Malil pala ang mga pagkakaintindi ko.

Sabon na sabon ako. Mali ang process ko lalo na sa pagdidistribute ng mga Working drawings sa site. Wala akong evidence na naibigay ko (kung tama ba iyon o mali) at kung nareceive na nila. hayyyyyyyyy.... Nahihirapan ako kasi ako mismo, hindi ako maayos. Kumbaga, ung parte ng utak ko para sa organization ng mga bagay2 ay hindi gumagana. LOL. waaaaaaaaaa!

Kanina, gusto ko ng umiyak habang kumakain... pero pigil lang... ang hina ko naman di ba?

nahihiya ako sa mga boss ko. hindi ako efficient worker. Hindi ako magaling. hindi flexible. Tiwala pa naman si PM (project manager) kaya inassign niya ako as site dcc kahit na OE na din ako...

hayyyyy sorry po... sabi ko sa isip ko, if they'll fire me right ahead, tatanggapin ko na lang ng buong puso. xD

What now?

I... I don't know why I'm like this. No'ng magpaulan si papa God ng common sense, wala yata akong nasalo no'n. Pati kaunting pag-unawa sa mga simpleng instructions. Bakit nga ba ako ganito? Masyado akong mali-mali sa lahat ng bagay.  Sa lahat. If I can undo all of the things that I did the previous hours, weeks, months, years... i will start all over again. I'm starting to realize that this isn't the life i used to think. Napaka-hirap pala nitong propesyong napili ko. Lagi kong pinalalakas ang sarili ko na kaya ko ito. Pero most of the time, hindi ko na kaya maski ang kampihan ang sarili ko na okay lang 'yan...

What now? Maybe, the reason why i feel down like this today is that... i realize that i'm not enough for this profession. I mean, hindi yata kaya ng level ng utak ko ang umunawa pa ng maraming bagay. Kumbaga sa isang USB or external drive sa computer, not enough memory na. *sigh*

Simple lang naman din kasi ang mga instructions sa akin na may kinalaman sa propesyon ko kung tutuusin. Iyon lang, masyado ko iyong pinalalalim hanggang sa lumayo na ako sa katotohanan. Sabi ko nga, wala akong common sense. ang hirap pala ng walang ganun. hahahahaha

Minsan, sa sobrang makakalimutin ko, naiisip kong may stage two Alzheimer's disease na ako. Mayroon nga ba? Para kasing hindi na normal. hahaha!

Nakaraos naman ako sa limang taong pagaaral, nakapasa sa board exam at at natanggap sa malaking construction company. Ang tanong ko lang sa sarili ko, ano'ng nangyari? Bakit pakiramdam ko, grade one ako sa trabahong pinasukan ko?

Dahil ba baguhan lang ako? I am now working for 7 months. mage-8 months na nga e. nakakahiya lang sa mga boss. hayyyyy.. :(

I made up my mind that if i'm still like this for the next two months, maybe its time to quit...

I know, quitting means I'm a loser. Loser na kung loser, but i need to find out my strenght sa ibang gawain. I need to...

Okay, this entry will be deleted after two months. Kailangan ko lang matyagan ang sarili ko. xD


-Skye Reyes

My Life

During my childhood days, i pictured my life as a big portrait image. Meaning, i really have many dreams in my life, and i do still have as of now. But when i was a child, i never, ever, thought that this would be the life i'm going through. I'm not saying that I my life sucks, but i used to picture a perfect life with my family and career. As the time goes by, i realized that life wasn't easy. I grew older and developed my own personality. I'm not a sunny-sunshine-smiling-carefree girl, but a be-serious-do-your-best-and-work-hard girl. I do care about all the things that people expect me to be.

Wrong. It's so hard to live people's expectations, i just want to be my self. I'm not a perfect person. If i have a goal, i work really, really, hard for it. It's not easy for me to reach any goal no matter how small or big it is, always the same. I'm not really an excellent person and i don't think why some people think I am. Being a certified slow learner, i don't get things at first time. Maybe because of my profession? Not all Civil engineers are smart in all things. I am not smart in math. I actually suck in arithmetic. The reason why i survived my profession, all i can say is that, its just a matter of practice and pure determination. And FAITH in HIM. When you started to do things over and over, you'll get used to it. Its always hard in the beginning...

It's always hard in the beginning, i knew that. Now that i started to work, its really hard. The pressure and expectations to pick up every single thing that i should know about my work really, really, SUCK. As I said earlier, I'm not a fast learner. I feel bad because i lifted up myself that much during the interview. If i told them that i am a slow learner, would they hire me? But I can say I work hard when i feel there is a need to do it. I like in-the-nick of time pressures. Give me a deadline, and make sure that what i do is really important, i will do it.

I do procrastinate a lot. When i feel that there is no important task to finish, i act in slowly-but-"surely" way. LOL That's what i hate about myself. Being slow in all new thingssssssss...Lately I've been told that i should finish all the task that was given to me within the day even if its not important... Okay, now i know.

I used to work hard. It's just a matter if motivation. I always like to be motivated. During my review and school days, my professors and instructors used to motivate us. I admit, it is one of the reasons why i am here, practicing my profession.

New to work environment, i didn't expect it to be this... hard. Working in six months? But i still feel new to the environment. It is really hard to earn money. LOL Hard to please people and lack of motivation. You should get things at first, true because what people would get to you if they'll teach you what to do even if you have no idea about how and why things are being done? *sigh* I come to realize that theory is way far from actual.


In the end, i just want to say... I wish to do things that people don't expect me to do-- without giving a fuck.

Its been a long time...

Yeah, its been a long time since i wrote a blog post. its been a loooonggggg time! LOL again? anyway, i just dropped by to wrote a very short note.

I miss writing here, though i used to write a diary entry on my phone's note but i don't get the chance to upload it here. sooo... what's new about me?

lately, i've realized im thinking too much. I cant help it. i don't know, but i used to think a lot of things in just one person's actions. I think people around me don't like me. I think I am not a worthy person. I think i do not deserve what i have right now. I think i am not intelligent enough for my career. I think... when I die, no one will even notice.

So much to think about, right?

I know, I know. you can scold me now for being so pessimist and all.

For the first time in my life, i want to experience the feeling of not thinking what people will say behind my every actions.


Just saying.


:)

DO NOT DELETE :)

Hay naku... I actually made a looooooooooooooong post about what happened to me this past few days but it was gone all of a sudden. I thought it was posted two times so i deleted the recent one not knowing that that was the complete post. On the other hand, the remaining post did not appeared since it was just a draft lang pala. WAAAAA!

LOL epic failed. but anyway, let me summarized it. I remember that i was talking about our Quality of Worklife Seminar in Makiling Highlands. It was one of my memorable experience since i got to know myself more. I was suddenly enlightened about my personality. I am an Introvert Phlegmatic person. (tama ba ang spelling? LOL) So... I really wish people could understand me. But i am trying hard to speak with people...

Sinabi ko rin sa post ko na simula ng seminar namin, inspired na akong pumasok everyday. And ofcourse, i have my own inspiration :) It all started when he caught my attention the moment when he smiled at me one busy morning in the MRT. Since then, everytime we bump to each other he would always smile at me. Ako lang itong si nahihiyang tignan siya sa mga mata. LOL :') Everyday, iniisip ko na sana magkaroon naman kami ng mahaba-habang moment because i didn't still know his name though. What an epic fail. Sana malaman ko na iyon ngayong week. HAHAHAHA

signing off, Engr. R.Reyes.

Envy

I am fucking tired (sorry for the word) of comparing myself to others. Why are they this, why are they that. Do i have this, do i have that. Damn it, Rhoma. Do you ever learn? Do you? Do you? Do you?
You like stressing urself too much huh. Yeah, that's right. You would die early.

One of seven deadly sins. Envy. I admit i envied others. There are many petty, small reasons why. I know that its wrong. And i decided to change. But still, there are times that i find myself asking questions "why can't i be like that?".

I have to realize, that this is fucking life. Live with it and be happy what you have. So be it.

posted from Bloggeroid

Random Thoughts

I can relate to the heroine's feelings of the novel I'm reading right now. The effect of reading a romance novel. I wonder when will I experience such feeling. Ah, damn the hopeless romantic side of me.

I'm looking for inspiration to write. Be it a person, a book or even an experience. Now I'm being straight forward in here. Some little voice was starting to nag me, which says "Go out in your comfort zone, swallow your pride and go meet some people!"

Knowing me, I'm always interested to all of the people i get the chance to talk to, its just i dont have the guts to ask them personal questions. I'm just waiting for them to ask, and eventually i find my self waiting to find white feathers from a crow. Don't do others what they dont do unto you maybe they don't want to be asked too, right? So i wont ask.

I want to meet a guy who is exact opposite of me. I'm such a boring and monotomous person (although i'm trying to break that me when i have the confidence i could handle the situation), and i wish i could bump into a lively and "makulit" guy. LOL And i think i haven't met him. Yet.

I wish i could hold his hands without feeling ashamed because he already knew what i'm feeling. The guy who would hold back tight and never let go. The guy who would take me to his house to meet his family and friends. The guy who could make me laugh always. Serious when it comes to his feelings. The funny and serious. And now that's complicated. LOL

I remember our interesting conversation of the company driver, while on the way to a pre-bid conference to meet my boss. Here is the convo:
Mang E: Eh 'di daig mo pa kuya mo, may boyfriend ka siya walang girlfriend.
Me: Ah e wala po akong boyfriend (kamot sa ulo, lagi nlang kasi ako napagkakamalang may bf daw.)
Mang E: Wala? Mapili ka siguro, 'no?
Me: Hindi po. Wala pong lumapit sa 'kin. Natatakot po yata.
Mang E: Eh ano bang hinahanap mo sa lalaki?
Me: Mabait po.
Mang E: Mabait lang? Eh di pwede na yung basta nakatayo lang dyan. Mabait sila e, walang ginagawa.
Me: (napangiti sa corny joke niya hehe) Yung nagtatrabaho at nagsusumikap naman po.
Mang E: Oo, tama. Huwag ka ding maghanap ng guwapo.
Me: Kasi baka lalaki pala ang hanap imbes na babae?
Mang E: Isa yun. 'yung mga guwapo kasi, madalas ay mataas din ang standard nila. Bukod don ay may mga maloloko at o kaya naman maraming chicks na aaligid sa mga yan. Marami kang kaagaw. Lagi kang magseselos. Pero hindi naman 'yung pangit ang piliin mo. 'yung presentable namang tignan.
Me: (Napapangiti at tumango) Hindi naman po ako naghahanap ng guwapong-gwapo. Baka maloko silang lahat.
Mang Ed: Hindi naman lahat, maloko. Kaming mga lalaki e nakakaramdam din ng pagkabog ng dibdib. Kapag nakikita namin yung gusto namin, naku, kinakabahan na. At saka, kami, minsan, nawawalan kami ng lakas ng loob na sabihin sa babae na gusto namin sila lalo na kapag nararamdaman naming walang pagasa. Ah, 'yun pala ang di dapat. kasi dapat kung gusto e hinihintay 'yan. At saka lalaki kami, dapat kami ang lumalapit at naghihintay. Kaya hwag kang unang magpapakita ng motibo sa mga lalaki.
Me: Opo, hindi po. (tawa) May alam po ako sa ganyang ugali ng mga lalaki.. Naka-experience na ko ng ganyan. (kwento ng experience)

And I won't tell you my personal experience. LOL. haha Because of that conversation, medyo nagka-ideya lang ako sa feelings ng mga lalaki. Anyway, we were all human beings. Nagkakamali. Nakakaramdam. Nasasaktan.

Talk about love and relationship. May inspiration na ko. :)

The "writer mode", Rhoma Reyes, Signing off. ^_^

posted from Bloggeroid