Pagbigyan na....

Space.

Ano ka? Astronaut para bigyan ko ng space? Pero siyempre, di ko yun sasabihin sa kaniya.

Today, I haven't messaged him nor called him. Naiintindihan ko na... Maybe he wanted space. Baka naso-suffocate na siya sa akin dahil nga araw-araw kaming naguusap thru phone bago matulog. Pagbibigyan ko na siya sa gusto niyang mangyari na every other day na lang kami magusap thru phone. I will stop expecting receiving messages from him daily also. Kailangan kong gawin 'to. Ito lang ang paraang alam ko para hindi ma-toxic ang relationship namin. Mahirap naman 'yung may isang na-totoxic di ba?

Maybe I should grow on my own as well... Naka-depende na kasi sa kaniya at sa expectations ko ang emosyon ko. I should learn how to control it again. Just like the old days when i was single. I should take over control of my emotions!

Hope it will be fine in the next days.

Hindi na ako maa-upset, promise. Nakakuha na ako ng payo from my best friends...

:D

Love. love. love

Communication

My relationship with my first ever boyfriend was not perfect. No relationship is perfect, i realized.There were good times, there were bad times. During good times, there times were like... i was in a cloud nine, butterflies and sparks are all over, everywhere. I love being with him, to the extent that I can literally survive the day if i was in his arms all day and all night.

Waking up beside the man you love was pure heaven. I remember waking up with him, thinking, "Ah, i could get used to this for the rest of my life". And boom! Suddenly I realized that I am starting to think about my future with this man, about how our life will be 3 years from now...

He was my first in all of the first that a girl to grown up woman like me should experience. My first real romantic date, first kiss, first holding hands, first intimate hug with a man, first dance, first man who brought me flowers... My first love. And all the first that you could think of. He often visit me in our house thrice a month since we separated from my previous work (we were co-workers that time).

But aside from good times, there were bad times. We are normal couples who fight but we make sure to end the issue at the end of the day. We always has communication issues. Communication for me is one of the important things in a relationship so as much as possible i would like to talk to him once a day, after work. But what is it with men not to notice that we women wants to connect more often? We are genetically wired for that. He usually asserts that we are always talking to each other so maybe we should make it to call every other day. I was like, "always?!" We barely chat in fb during daytime, and there were many times that he doesn't chat me in a day... I do not doubt his love for me. But he do not initiate the communication thing. Yes, he visits me in our place but i would like to talk to him once a week.. 

Agh, men! What is it with you not to be touchy about those things? LOL

But we're working things out. And hopefully we can agree on  those things..........

Sinner or Saint ?

I know I am not perfect, nor good or saint. I always fall on doing sins. And I always regret that and I continuously ask for God's forgiveness to my sins.

But I have committed this one grievous sin that I never knew I could. But I did not regret doing that... At Lagi-lagi akong humihingi ng tawad sa Panginoon para doon.

May mga pangayayari lang lately na bumabagabag sa akin.. It's really complicated. 

Maybe there is a reason kung bakit nangyayari samin to. Hindi ko nga alam na makakaraing ako sa puntong ganito, e. Never in my wildest dreams.

But everything is okay now. Marami na din ang na-realize at mga aral na natutunan para sa susunod ay hindi na mangyari ang kinatatakutan ng lahat...

Pero hindi na maibabalik ang nakaraan...

I am a sinner. not a saint.

And it is all because of love.

It's complicated.

Rant Pa More!

Dear Readers,

I don't usually brag my profession unlike any other people who has jobs. Not that I am not proud and confident in what I do but I think, I lost interest in my profession. Everybody knows that this is not my first love. I hate the fact that I hate what I do! Damn. Fuck Midlife crisis.

I don't want to admit to everyone that I am lost. Literally lost. I do not know where to start, where to go and what end of my career do i want. What do I want? I don't know.

If I will stop working, I will get depressed cause i don't want anyone to support me. I promised to myself to stand on my own feet....

Sometimes, I get depressed whenever I will talk to my colleagues and they are successful in the road they chose. Not that I envy them because they have the potential of being rich someday, but i envy them because they like what they do. Me? I don't know why i still feel like i lack of something. Parang may hinahanap pa ako. If you'll compare it to cooking of your favorite dish, may lasa ka pang hinahanap-- pero pagkain pa rin ang niluluto mo at alam mong malapit ng maluto. Ganun. Maaring mare-realize mo na ayaw mo pala ng niluluto mo, pero sa bandang huli, di ka titigil sa pagluluto hanggang sa makuha mo ang lasa.

Hayyy. I always wish to God whenever I'll worship that may He give me the happiness that i really want-- sa career. Masaya naman ako, pero hindi kumpleto. Maging masaya lang. But it is not that simple pala. Akala ko, ganun-ganun lang maging masaya. Ang hirap hanapin kung saan ka masaya. Marami palang gusto ang tao. Paiba-iba, nage-evolve sa paglipas ng panahon. Or maybe because I am in the middle of my midlife crisis?

I hate the fact that I hate what I do! Sana maging busy na....

Actually, wala kasi akong magawa sa new job ko kaya nagra-rant ako ng ganito. Natatakot akong baka nasasayang lang ang panahon ko sa paghihintay..... habang hindi ko pa nakikita kung saan talaga ako masaya. Tsk.

Maghahanap na ba ako ng bagong trabaho? or I will stop working o magisip?

Kailangan ko munang mag-ipon ng matindi!

Ine-expect ko na ang sarili ko na broke pa rin pagkatungtong ko ng 30's. huhuhuhu Hindi pa ganoon kasuccessful sa career...

ANyway, rant pa more! Sobrang hussle kasi ang biyahe.... at walang magawa sa work. huhuhu

Signing off...

Amohr Seyer

Lost Stars

I want to write! I want to write! I want to write! I can feel it in my bones right now. LOL. Gusto ko lang na may mapagbuhusan ng nararamdaman ko, dahil hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko dito. I'm so full of romantic thoughts (well, thanks for my boyfriend. Ang sweet kasi!) at dahil hindi ko naman siya nakakasama everyday gaya ng dati, walang mapaglagyan ng kilig ko. I really want to write again. So... I think magsisimula na akong magsulat ng isang nobela. Uumpisahan ko ngayon, pagkatapos ay buong araw ako magsusulat sa quezon city day, at sa susunod pang mga araw. Maraming holidays! hehehehe... Sana magawa ko...

Anyway, sobrang nag-enjoy na naman ako sa araw ko kahapon. Weekend e, meaning, a day with my man na naman. He visited our house saturday night after his work for sleepover. Bonding time kasama ang Aunt ko. By morning, sabay kaming sumamba sa Kapilya to worship. Then we head straight to the mall for our date :)

Super happy lang coz i got the chance to see him during the weekend pero nagaalala lang din ako na baka kinukuha ko na ang natitirang araw niya para magpahinga kasi sunday lang ang off sa construction industry. Since maraming holidays next week, I told him na depende sa kaniya kung gusto niya kaming magkita ulit, pero itinaboy ko na lang siya dahil baka masakal na siya. xD I wanted him to interact with different person naman kasi iyon ang nakikita kong gusto niya. At ska, ako rin kasi ay nalulunod sa affection namin sa isa't-isa, na tipong sa kaniya na nakadepende ang emosyon ko sa araw-araw.

So I said I will write, para doon ko maibuhos lahat ng emosyon ko sa kaniya. My first love was so overwhelming, at kapag hindi ko kinontrol ay baka ako rin ang makasira sa lahat. It was perfect, he was a charming, kind and lovable partner, and i don't want to make him feel imprisoned with my love. I want him to be as free as possible, but still knowing his way back in my loving arms...

Kailangan ko na lang sanayin ang sarili ko na hindi siya palaging kausap. Chat is okay, pero limitahan na, kasi kahit nagwo-work ako ay hindi ko mapigilan.

Anyway, working hours pero ito ang ginagawa ko. Sorry na.

Ipagpapatuloy ko ang kuwento next time :)

Anyway, ang title ng entry na ito ay isa sa mga paborito kong kanta at pinapakinggan ko ngayon.

Love,

Amohr

That Thing Called Tadhana

Sometimes, I can't help but to question myself why. Why I acted the way I act that day. Why I did this or did that. At the end of the day, I always feel regrets…

I wish I wouldn't feel regrets. I hate feeling regret. Regrets…

I know that we should move on and focus on more important things in our life. Hindi naman purket mahal mo siya, mahal ka niya, magfo-focus na kayo sa isa't-isa. At hindi porket sinabi niyang mahal ka niya ay maniniwala ka na lang basta. Ang pag-ibig, hindi lamang puro salita ang lahat. Ipinapakita rin sa gawa.

Madalas akong madismaya-- sa sarili ko at sa kaniya. Marahil ay dahil ito ang unang pagkakataon kong umibig, at mahalin din. Pakiramdam ko, mas mahal ko siya kaysa sa pagmamahal niya sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganoon.

Ang sabi nila, dapat daw, mas mahal ka ng tao para sa huli, hindi ikaw ang talo.

The truth is, I am so afraid of what I am feeling right now. It was so overwhelming It was like standing in a hanging platform with a black hole underneath it.  I feel like, whether I like it or not, I will fall and get hurt. And I will always get hurt in the end. There were always an end. And there's got to be someone na masasaktan. O maaring pareho, pero may isang tao pa rin ang mas labis na masasaktan.

At natatakot akong baka ako 'yon.

I don't know if he's just not expressive but sometimes I feel like I'm nothing to him.

I feel like, I'm just a past time.

I feel like, if ever there is anyone who will come in the way, he will leave me and broke my heart.

Its complicated to fall in love.

I already gave my heart to him and there's no way of getting it back.

I want to open up my insecurities and issues to him. But I'm afraid… nakakatakot na baka lalo siyang lumayo sa akin kapag nalaman niya iyon…

First time to fall in love and to be loved.  Sana, hindi ako ma-reject agad… >.<

Tang i*a na pelikula. Humuhugot tuloy ako. HUHUHU…

THIS IS LIFE

I hate being called as KSP. Because really, I don't understand kung bakit naiisip nila iyon, samantalang halos ipagdasal ko nga sa bawat sandali na huwag sana akong mapansin masyado dahil sa isa akong introvert phlegmatic. At ako pa ngayon ang maarte just because i couldn't drink? Nakakaasar lang, kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na HINDI ako maarte. HINDI. Ang ugali ko, basta kung saan masaya ang isang tao, kahit labag sa kalooban ko, ginagawa ko without thinking of my own happiness. Okay lang sa akin ang madumihan, maarawan. Because that's how an introvert phlegmatic persons do. hayyyyy.... Nakakapagod talagang makisama minsan... pero that's life...