A Letter

*listening to "Ni Yao De Ai" (F4) sikat kasi ngayon ang Meteor Garden. *

Dear Mr. Whoever-You-Are,

I'm sorry but I just couldn't stop myself from noticing you. The first time I saw you, I hated you. Lagi mo kasi akong inaasar sa hindi ko malamang dahilan. Naroon ang mga pabirong suntukan at asaran. I never thought we could be as close as this until that one summer night. After saying your deepest secret to me, I feel like a special person in your life. From then on, I started to hope... that someday I could replace "her" in your life... in your heart. Ang sabi mo, maghahanap ka na lang ng iba. Sana hindi ka na lang maghanap ng iba, hindi mo ba ako nakikita? I'm just here. There. At your back. Nakikita mo na ba ako? Kasi ikaw, ang laki mong hambalang sa harap ko-- sa puso ko. Paano pa ako makakakita ng iba?

I'm sorry for hoping that you would see me as a different person in your life someday. I'm sorry for... Masaya naman ako sa kung anong trato mo sa akin ngayon.

Akala ko, masaya na ako. Hindi pala. I couldn't help but to hope for more. I couldn't help but to look at you. I couldn't help but to smile when you sing to me. Do you know you have a very cold yet warm voice?  I couldn't help but to look at those mysterious eyes who seemed to be happy outside but a true blue loner inside. I couldn't help to fall... Are you ready to catch me?

Please don't make me feel and hope that its possible. No it's not. I know it's impossible. Pero umaasa pa rin ako. Nakakapagod mang umasa, pero pagdating sa `yo, hinding-hindi ako mapapagod. Sa dami dami ng pinagdaanan ko, You're worth all the pain I've experienced and the time I've waited.

I couldn't remember the last time I felt this kind of feeling. Simula noong kaarawan ko, nakaramdam ako ng pagkukulang sa sarili ko. Nakamit ko na raw ang mga gusto kong makamit. But it seems like there was still an empty space here... in my heart. Ikaw pala 'yon...

I love you.

There, i said it. Alam kong huli na, pero at least nalaman mo.

This is a letter i want you to read after a year. Nasa tabi mo man ako sa mga panahong iyan, just don't forget that all of the words i wrote was true. Ano't-ano man ang sitwasyon natin ngayon, umaasa akong magkikita pa rin tayo. Sana...


Love,
Ms. Anonymous


Pangnobela lang. HAHAHA. Wala kasing magawa. Matutulog na nga ako! Last day bukas, then bakasyon naaaaaaaaaa! Ang saya :)

Before Dropping Off to Bed

Before Dropping off to Bed, gusto ko lang magsulat ng blog entry. :)

Sa totoo lang, I'm so lucky na magkaroon ng mga masasayang kasama sa site. Although lahat kami ay stressed sa work, nakukuha pa rin naming tumawa. HAHAHA gaya nito. HAHAHAHA

Baliw lang ano? Naku, malapit na naman ang Opcen. Makatawa pa kaya ako nito? Ako na naman ang magrereport, and this time, ako na din gagawa ng power point. Kaya ko 'to! aja!

HAPPY AUDIT DAY :)

The result of the external Audit last wednesday was exemplary! Nakakatuwa kasi pinaghirapan talaga namin na ma-accomplish lahat ng mga dokumento para sa audit na iyon. Everybody was in festive mood after the audit. One of the unforgettable days of my life. Kasi for the first time, na-acknowledge lahat ng pinaghirapan ko... although i still need to improve as an Office Engineer, at least i learned how to be a Site Document Controller. Nakakatuwa ^_^

Wala kaming celebration the night of the day ng audit. (take note: when you say celebration, inuman ang ibig sabihin no'n :P) hehehe... Wala kasi iyong project manager namin, tapos nagkaproblema sa budget kasi may nadisgrasyang kung ano tapos iyong pang-inom ay doon napunta. haha! Oo, naghihirap din (madalas ang mga inhinyero.) Pero natuloy naman ang "celebration" the night after the day ng audit... Kagabi.

It was also one of the unforgettable moment of my life! First time kong uminom ng madami tapos nagsuka pa ako no'ng papatulog na. Nakarating pa naman ako ng CR, thank goodness. Ang nangyari kasi, ako pa ang ginawa nilang dahilan para magaya ng inuman. HAHA! "Broken Hearted" daw kasi ako.

I have no choice kundi ikuwento ang walang kakulay-kulay na lovelife ko. Kung paano ako umasa sa isang taong hindi naman kayang suklian ang pagtingin ko. NAKS! ang lalim. xD Ang mga walanghiya, gusto pa akong pagawan ng nobela tungkol sa project namin, iyon daw ang gawin kong setting. Waaaa! Kaya ko kaya? Kapag gusto, may paraan. Maybe i'll work it out sa mahal na araw. :)


Hosiya i gotta go folks. ^_^

SABON

Dumating na ang araw na pinangangambahan ko. HAHA! The Auditors visited our Site office to see if we are implementing all of the documentations according to ISO Audit checklists and churvaness requirements nila.... haha

Ayun, as a site DCC controller- slash- Office Engineer- Slash- QC documentator, natuliro ako at nasabon. Ewannnnnnnn. Hindi talaga ako magaling sa pagoorganize ng mga bagay-bagay... huhuhu i can organize my things pero ang maraming papeles? Mag-aadjust muna siguro ako. Ang daming procedures na mali ang pagkkakaintindi ko. Noong nag-orient sila, hindi ko alam ang itatanong ko kasi i have no fucking idea what are the requirements at pasikot-sikot sa ISO procedures... So as the time passed by, dumadating ang date ng audit (internal), tapos binasa ko yung procedures... Malil pala ang mga pagkakaintindi ko.

Sabon na sabon ako. Mali ang process ko lalo na sa pagdidistribute ng mga Working drawings sa site. Wala akong evidence na naibigay ko (kung tama ba iyon o mali) at kung nareceive na nila. hayyyyyyyyy.... Nahihirapan ako kasi ako mismo, hindi ako maayos. Kumbaga, ung parte ng utak ko para sa organization ng mga bagay2 ay hindi gumagana. LOL. waaaaaaaaaa!

Kanina, gusto ko ng umiyak habang kumakain... pero pigil lang... ang hina ko naman di ba?

nahihiya ako sa mga boss ko. hindi ako efficient worker. Hindi ako magaling. hindi flexible. Tiwala pa naman si PM (project manager) kaya inassign niya ako as site dcc kahit na OE na din ako...

hayyyyy sorry po... sabi ko sa isip ko, if they'll fire me right ahead, tatanggapin ko na lang ng buong puso. xD

What now?

I... I don't know why I'm like this. No'ng magpaulan si papa God ng common sense, wala yata akong nasalo no'n. Pati kaunting pag-unawa sa mga simpleng instructions. Bakit nga ba ako ganito? Masyado akong mali-mali sa lahat ng bagay.  Sa lahat. If I can undo all of the things that I did the previous hours, weeks, months, years... i will start all over again. I'm starting to realize that this isn't the life i used to think. Napaka-hirap pala nitong propesyong napili ko. Lagi kong pinalalakas ang sarili ko na kaya ko ito. Pero most of the time, hindi ko na kaya maski ang kampihan ang sarili ko na okay lang 'yan...

What now? Maybe, the reason why i feel down like this today is that... i realize that i'm not enough for this profession. I mean, hindi yata kaya ng level ng utak ko ang umunawa pa ng maraming bagay. Kumbaga sa isang USB or external drive sa computer, not enough memory na. *sigh*

Simple lang naman din kasi ang mga instructions sa akin na may kinalaman sa propesyon ko kung tutuusin. Iyon lang, masyado ko iyong pinalalalim hanggang sa lumayo na ako sa katotohanan. Sabi ko nga, wala akong common sense. ang hirap pala ng walang ganun. hahahahaha

Minsan, sa sobrang makakalimutin ko, naiisip kong may stage two Alzheimer's disease na ako. Mayroon nga ba? Para kasing hindi na normal. hahaha!

Nakaraos naman ako sa limang taong pagaaral, nakapasa sa board exam at at natanggap sa malaking construction company. Ang tanong ko lang sa sarili ko, ano'ng nangyari? Bakit pakiramdam ko, grade one ako sa trabahong pinasukan ko?

Dahil ba baguhan lang ako? I am now working for 7 months. mage-8 months na nga e. nakakahiya lang sa mga boss. hayyyyy.. :(

I made up my mind that if i'm still like this for the next two months, maybe its time to quit...

I know, quitting means I'm a loser. Loser na kung loser, but i need to find out my strenght sa ibang gawain. I need to...

Okay, this entry will be deleted after two months. Kailangan ko lang matyagan ang sarili ko. xD


-Skye Reyes

My Life

During my childhood days, i pictured my life as a big portrait image. Meaning, i really have many dreams in my life, and i do still have as of now. But when i was a child, i never, ever, thought that this would be the life i'm going through. I'm not saying that I my life sucks, but i used to picture a perfect life with my family and career. As the time goes by, i realized that life wasn't easy. I grew older and developed my own personality. I'm not a sunny-sunshine-smiling-carefree girl, but a be-serious-do-your-best-and-work-hard girl. I do care about all the things that people expect me to be.

Wrong. It's so hard to live people's expectations, i just want to be my self. I'm not a perfect person. If i have a goal, i work really, really, hard for it. It's not easy for me to reach any goal no matter how small or big it is, always the same. I'm not really an excellent person and i don't think why some people think I am. Being a certified slow learner, i don't get things at first time. Maybe because of my profession? Not all Civil engineers are smart in all things. I am not smart in math. I actually suck in arithmetic. The reason why i survived my profession, all i can say is that, its just a matter of practice and pure determination. And FAITH in HIM. When you started to do things over and over, you'll get used to it. Its always hard in the beginning...

It's always hard in the beginning, i knew that. Now that i started to work, its really hard. The pressure and expectations to pick up every single thing that i should know about my work really, really, SUCK. As I said earlier, I'm not a fast learner. I feel bad because i lifted up myself that much during the interview. If i told them that i am a slow learner, would they hire me? But I can say I work hard when i feel there is a need to do it. I like in-the-nick of time pressures. Give me a deadline, and make sure that what i do is really important, i will do it.

I do procrastinate a lot. When i feel that there is no important task to finish, i act in slowly-but-"surely" way. LOL That's what i hate about myself. Being slow in all new thingssssssss...Lately I've been told that i should finish all the task that was given to me within the day even if its not important... Okay, now i know.

I used to work hard. It's just a matter if motivation. I always like to be motivated. During my review and school days, my professors and instructors used to motivate us. I admit, it is one of the reasons why i am here, practicing my profession.

New to work environment, i didn't expect it to be this... hard. Working in six months? But i still feel new to the environment. It is really hard to earn money. LOL Hard to please people and lack of motivation. You should get things at first, true because what people would get to you if they'll teach you what to do even if you have no idea about how and why things are being done? *sigh* I come to realize that theory is way far from actual.


In the end, i just want to say... I wish to do things that people don't expect me to do-- without giving a fuck.

Its been a long time...

Yeah, its been a long time since i wrote a blog post. its been a loooonggggg time! LOL again? anyway, i just dropped by to wrote a very short note.

I miss writing here, though i used to write a diary entry on my phone's note but i don't get the chance to upload it here. sooo... what's new about me?

lately, i've realized im thinking too much. I cant help it. i don't know, but i used to think a lot of things in just one person's actions. I think people around me don't like me. I think I am not a worthy person. I think i do not deserve what i have right now. I think i am not intelligent enough for my career. I think... when I die, no one will even notice.

So much to think about, right?

I know, I know. you can scold me now for being so pessimist and all.

For the first time in my life, i want to experience the feeling of not thinking what people will say behind my every actions.


Just saying.


:)